Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
