I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize
