Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
