final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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