The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
