if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
