She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
