They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
you inspire me to be a worse person
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
