i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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