No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
