I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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