you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
