And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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