I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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