is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
