Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's just like the Real World with babies
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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