Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
