we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
