Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
