i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
