Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
