she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
