please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
