please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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