you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
