I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
