dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
