I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
