I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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