My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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