separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The feeling are messing with the penis
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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