Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We're too hungover to prance.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
