Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
