Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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