I accidentally burped into my bong.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
