the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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