my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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