two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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