my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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