I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
