Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
