Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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