I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
