Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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