I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
