i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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