i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
