If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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