If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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