U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
