my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Randomize
