If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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